Grief: beyond stages and timelines
Grief is universal — yet profoundly individual. It’s something we will all encounter, but often, it’s misunderstood. When you find yourself in the thick of grief, it can be overwhelming. To make things more complex, there are countless “versions” of how people believe we should grieve. Not all of these ideas are helpful.
One of the most well-known frameworks is the five stages of grief, introduced in 1969 by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. You’ve likely heard them before:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Kübler-Ross’s work was groundbreaking in exploring death and dying, but what’s less known is that her research was based on people facing their own terminal illness — not those grieving a loved one’s death. Despite this, her model has often been applied to bereavement, even though there’s little credible evidence it reflects how we actually process loss.
In reality, grief rarely unfolds in neat, predictable stages. For many, the “five stages” idea can even be unhelpful, leaving people feeling they’re grieving “wrong” if they don’t experience each stage or move through them in order.
Grief is more complex — and far more personal.
Other Models That May Help
While no model can perfectly capture an individual’s grief, several offer a more flexible, compassionate framework for understanding it.
1. The Dual Process Model (Oscillation Theory) – Stroebe & Schut, 1995
This approach describes grief as an oscillation between two modes:
Loss-oriented coping: confronting the pain, memories, and emotions of grief.
Restoration-oriented coping: focusing on life tasks, responsibilities, and finding new ways to live.
We naturally move back and forth between these modes, and both are necessary. This model moves away from the idea of grief being linear, recognising instead that it’s a dynamic, ever-changing process.
2. Reaction and Response – Thomas Attig
I first learned about this idea through Dr Lucy Hone’s Resilient Grieving. It helped me distinguish between:
Reactions: automatic, instinctive experiences of grief — intense emotions, exhaustion, changes in appetite or sleep, numbness, tears.
Responses: the intentional choices we make in grief — seeking support, creating meaningful rituals, honouring memories, or finding new ways to live with our loss.
This perspective validated my emotional reality while also empowering me with choice. We can’t change what happened, but we can choose how to respond to the story we’re now living.
3. Growing Around Grief – Dr Lois Tonkin
In the early days of loss, grief fills our whole world. Many expect it to shrink over time — but often, what happens is that we grow around it. Our lives expand to hold more alongside the grief. It never disappears, but it becomes integrated.
A counsellor once illustrated this for me with the “ball in a box” analogy: grief is the ball, and inside the box is a “pain button.” Early on, the ball constantly hits the button, triggering intense grief. Over time, the ball moves more freely, hitting the button less often. But when it does, the pain is just as sharp as in the beginning.
My Own Grief Journey
These ideas have helped me understand my own grief better, and helped me to give myself permission for my own personal experience and expression of grief. I will never “get over” the loss of my son. It will never be ok. But I am learning that I don’t have to “move on” or “finish grieving” to keep living. I can give my grief kindness, space, and compassion — and I can choose my responses to it. Over time, my life will grow around it.
When I asked others what they wished they or others knew about grief, I heard:
“That it isn’t linear and doesn’t always follow the models we’re taught.”
“That the only ‘answer’ is to muddle your way through it and surrender to it.”
The fact that grief isn’t linear, that it doesn’t follow a strict model, is something I hope to bring awareness too. And that word — surrender — resonates deeply with me.
Surrendering to the Waves
After Josiah’s death, my husband and I spent a lot of time in the ocean as we travelled around Australia. I had always feared big waves, and that fear often left me caught and tumbled under. Slowly, I learned to watch them, read them, and either dive under or ride them in.
Grief is much the same. When we avoid it, we can be overpowered and disoriented. But when we face it, even ride with it, we find moments of calm between the swells.
Some waves are gentle. Some knock us off our feet. But over time, we learn to navigate them — and in that process, we remember that while we can’t control the loss itself, we can choose how we live with it.
Final Thought:
Grief is not a formula. It’s as common as our fingerprints — and just as unique. There is no “right” way to do it. We can only surrender to its waves, honour our loss, and, in our own time, grow a life around it.
You Are Not Alone.
If you are navigating your own grief, please know you don’t have to walk this path alone. As a Counsellor, I offer a safe, understanding space to explore your grief and loss, and find ways to live alongside it. You are welcome to reach out and begin when you’re ready - whether that’s sharing your story, asking questions, or simply sitting in the quiet with someone who understands.
Get in touch here to take the first step toward compassionate support.